cat palmer photography

A Salt Lake City based photographer and her views on life, religion, art and sex.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

no means no.

rape culture.

    "In feminist theory, rape culture is a setting in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality."
    this is something i am adamant on teaching my boys right now at this young age: no means no. we respect other people's boundaries, especially when they are communicating it so clearly to us. 
    here are some problems i have run into in the dating world.....
    sometimes i am not interested in dating or spending time with others....for no other reason other than i do not want to. it is not because i do not find the person attractive. it is not because i am seeing someone else. it is not because i have not enjoyed my time with that person for the one time we went out.....i just do not want to. 
    men pursuing women, listen up! when a woman says she is not in a space to date, fucking listen to her. when a woman says she is not interested, she is not interested. 
    stop trying to wear me down to go out with you...
    why is it i have dealt with so many men that do not listen to me? they only respect my wishes if another man is involved. they have MORE RESPECT for another man (they have never met) than they do my own desires. this has happened time and time again. it is happening to me now. 
    i am tired. 
    i can feel it when you do not want to know me. i can feel it when you do not want to peer into my amazing soul. i can feel it when you only want to fuck me. i can feel it when i am nothing more than a full set of lips, nice breasts and beautiful pussy to you.  i can feel it and i want no part in it. 
    long ago i made a decision to only let those in that can see my light and to only get close with those that want it to shine brighter. i have been with too many people that have wanted to dull, change or steal my light. my light is sacred to me. 
    also, just because we have had sex once and just because i love sex, does not mean i am here to have sex with you always on demand. 
    i recall a fella i was casually seeing. i had worked a long day of shooting and also had seen my kids that day. it was super late and i was exhausted. i wanted a shower, to wash my clothes and sleep. i communicated this all to him prior to me arriving. after my glorious shower, i was so excited to curl up by him and sleep. my body and mind were beyond exhausted. he came at me, kissing me and playing with my breasts. i communicated again and even fucking apologized that i was simply beyond exhausted. he kept kissing me and pushing. this went on and on to the point i was beyond annoyed. had i not taken my sleeping pill, i would have simply left. had it not been past midnight, i would have called a friend to come pick me up. i was tired and i wanted him to stop. finally i say to him, "fine. grab a condom so we can get this over with...i am tired and just want to be done." he had a choice and i decided in that moment, had he chosen to get up and get that condom, i would leave in the morning and he would never see me again. 
    we never saw each other again. 
    and while he has since apologized profusely and i do believe he is a great guy caught up in rape culture....this behavior is not uncommon. STOP WEARING DOWN US WOMEN for your benefit. 
    this book i recently read was fantastic and i think everyone needs to read it: the way of the superior man by david dieda. it is a spiritual guide to mastering the challenges of women, work and sexual drive. 
    please note that i know not all men are like this. i have had amazing lovers and (wo)men in my life that have respected me, wanted to know me and have treated me wonderfully. i do not appreciate blanket statements that say "men are like this" or "women are like this". i have just encountered this type of behavior far too often. 
    find a woman that sees your light. find a woman that wants to be with you. find a woman that wants you inside every part of her. trust me, it is much better than just wearing down a woman to fuck her. 

Saturday, November 7, 2015

i am not a hairless cat.

"she is too pretty to have armpit hair." -- morning zoo 97.1 morning hosts (speaking about my armpits)

let's talk about body hair on women for a moment.....

i find the social trends of hair, on women, interesting. we went from being ok with body hair to striving to look like 10-year-old girls. i truly believe that there is NOTHING wrong with looking however you are most comfortable and happy with....but, are you doing it for you or are you doing it for someone else to find you desirable?

i once had a guy tell me, "i shaved my balls for you." god, why would i care if you shaved your balls?  i told him to please never do anything like that for me again....i told him, if he was doing it for him to please continue, if it made him happy....i personally did not care.

in my teen years, i had leg hair. my friend, ethan, nicknamed me "chewy". i have always gone back and forth of growing out my armpit hair and shaving it. yes, i am THAT hippy girl. i do not use chemical deodorant on these hairy pits. after my morning shower, i put coconut oil on my wet pits, then rock crystal deodorant and then a few drops of lavender oil. i was scared to make the switch. i inherited my deceased grandmother's stinky pits. i have a sensitive nose and do not like to smell foul. it has been 5 years since i made the switch and while i sometimes have off days, 99% of time i smell great!
one august morning, a fox 13 news anchor text me and a couple of followers posted to my facebook timeline. apparently a local radio show (i had never heard of) called "the morning zoo" was on my facebook page and they were discussing my hairy armpits, live on air.

they obviously knew how to reach me and instead of reaching out and asking me their questions, they proceeded to speculate my answers. it was three morning show hosts with the same opinion.....women should NOT have any undesirable body hair. they made comments like, "if she wants to date, she should shave." "men taking her out, research the restaurant first and take her somewhere with good air conditioning so that way she has to wear a sweater." and my personal favorite: "she is too pretty to have armpit hair." yeah, fuck them. it was boring to hear three of the same opinions. they then opened it up to the listening audience to text in their views on the topic.....sigh.

here is what i would have told them had they taken the time to ask me....

1. i have no troubles dating. i date amazingly beautiful people who have no qualms with my body hair. they are not hippies and they are often brilliant business-savvy folks.

2. just because i have a pretty face does not mean i need to fit into your box of what you consider "beautiful". my pretty face is the least interesting thing about me.

3. the reason i do not shave at the moment....i simply don't care to. i have sons i am raising and i want them to have a healthy view of females. women have body hair and it is ok. some women remove their body hair and that is ok too. we are NOT 10-year-old hairless wonders of the world.

the most frequently asked question.....ahem, what about your VAGINA????

i was on a podcast with paul duane, this summer, and he asked me the question folks are dying to know....

here's the deal...i am big on NOT smelling bad in any capacity. my lovers are NOT making out with my armpits....though they have been known to kiss them. i like to keep my lady parts trimmed down very short. it is my personal preference and i do it for me, no one else.

recently a dear friend suggested i shave the pits due to a pretty sleeveless dress i was going to wear to an event. i thought about this and truly considered it. i had mentioned it to my date for the evening. he could not think of a reason i should shave them and i loved his response. i opted to stay true to what i wanted to do.

while i do not have trouble finding people to date me or love me.....i do gross out a fair amount of folks (both men and women). sometimes they tell me to my face, other times they express disgust on my social media and some folks simply like to tease me. luckily i feel good about myself and they make me giggle.

i define my own definition of beauty. having hair under my arms does not make me any less beautiful.  having hair on my head does not make me any more beautiful. i am an amazing, magical physical appearance does not define me. my choice of body hair does NOT define MY beauty.

think about it.....there have been people you have met that perhaps you were not physically attracted to them right away. you got to know the person and they soon became one of the most beautiful people to you. there also have been physically "gorgeous" people you have known that you instantly thought were attractive. you got to know them and discovered their personality was not up to par and you were no longer attracted to them.

if you met the person of your dreams and they did not meet every one of your physical preferences, would you still want to know them? date them? make love to them? or would you be so disgusted you would walk the other way unable to open your heart to them?

i am not a hairless cat. i am me. i am beautiful.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

So, I guess I am going to hell......

"Wow. I am sorry too. I'm sorry Cat, you have lost your way. I'm sorry you cling desperately to the lies of the world and wrap the natural man around you as a shield. I'm sorry you are disillusioned with a self love that is truly one of selfishness and immorality. "Do what you want if it makes you happy" is the wide road that will lead you to hell." -- Janica R. 

So, here's the deal. I get told A LOT....I mean A LOT that I am going to hell, that I have lost my way, that I never had a true testimony of the LDS church, that I am angry, that I am a whore or slut, that I make Jesus sad.....sigh..... 

Here is who I am: I am happy. 

I am INCREDIBLY happy. 

Kerry Jackson, of X96 & Geek Show,  recently told me that I am the only person that has responded with, "I'm happy" when asked how I am. Anyone that knows me can feel my amazing energy when around me. I have balance and peace in my world. I work hard in my community bringing awareness to women's issues. I volunteer my time for a variety of organizations I believe in. I mentor kids in art. I mentor women wanting to grow their business or who they are as a person. I am not saying these things to brag....I want to say, I do nice shit not because I think I am trying to get into heaven....I do nice shit because I am a decent human being. I also know who I am, where I am going and I am driven. 

I actually do not care if there is a heaven or hell. I do not care about god, if there is one. If heaven actually exists and all those hateful Christians are going there, why the fuck would I want to be there???? I have had these Christians tell me, "well, enjoy hanging out with Hitler." Um, yes....yes, I would actually much rather hang with Hitler than you. I am a history buff. I FUCKING LOVE HISTORY.  I have read almost every book on Hitler. I had family in the Holocaust. I would love to sit down with him and ask him questions. So, BRING ON HELL. 

The thing is...if god and jesus exist, guess what??? THEY LOVE ME. They love my rowdy ways and my feminist lifestyle. They love my loud mouth. They fucking love what I am doing to empower people. They love what a good mother I am. They love my kind heart. They love that I say "fuck" A LOT. They love that I enjoy sex with my lovers. They love my tattoos. They love that I masturbate and honor myself. Jesus has a great sense of humor.....if he is real. If jesus is real...those asshole so-called Christians make him cry, not me. I am not doing hateful shit in his name. 

Now, do not get me wrong....there are great people and asshole people everywhere you turn. I know amazing Mormons (my grandmother is one of them). I know amazing Christians....true ones (they are like rare). But, those folks send me love. They read my blog posts and love me anyways. Over the years they see my shaved head, piercings or pink hair and show me love. They do not give a fuck that I drink coffee. They do not give a fuck that I have had sex with women.....because guess what? They actually follow jesus. They know jesus died for their sins and he is the only one to judge come judgement day. (I also know the scriptures incredibly work of fiction out there.) 

So here is the paradox with me....I am super fucking nice and a huge asshole. Not one of my exes will say anything bad about me because guess what, I am nice. I will help anyone. I am a giver....and I know I am judgmental. I am self aware enough to know not to say, "I am open minded and not judgmental at all." But, my "fuck you" and "fuck offs" are usually coming from a place of giddiness because people make me laugh. Unless I am on a dating site....then it comes from disgust. 

Also, make note....I market the hell out of what I do. I create dialogue to drive people to my page. I am honest and I do not apologize for being real. If everyone loved what I was doing or if no one was talking, I would be doing something wrong. I thrive on ruffling feathers. I love to get people to talk. So, if you are reading this and you are upset, please please come tell me all about it.....and be ready for my response. 

see some of you in hell, hopefully.......

Things I have been told today.....this is not all of it, just what I could find in a few short minutes:

"Being a mother: "You are so much more than that" really? Since when did being a mother become something less than whatever it is you are? Another disgruntled, go-with-the-wind, can't-decide-what-to-do-with-my-life, it's everyone else s fault, apologetic, exmo." -- Jason S. 

"For anyone reading who is wavering, I'd urge you not to follow this woman's advice. I'm sure she has a lot of love in her heart. Nevertheless Her words are false and extremely dangerous. There is a God. Our choices so have consequences. He does not condone living any way we desire. We choose whether we list to obey telestial, terrestrial, or celestial law. We choose whether we repent and escape or not repent and suffer for our wrongs. I haven't responded to many posts like this lately because it is often futile, but the false testimony of an apostate is the most dangerous of all. And that does not mean I do not have a brotherly I've for her as a fellow human." -- Mark C. 

"Will you render this same speech with such enthusiasm at the feet of your savior, no matter what religion you are ....

Without any anger or spite, in all humility ask yourself, will you stand before Jesus Christ and proudly proclaim this was your legacy...." -- Nancy N. 

"Well, good luck to you Catherine. Empower away. I'll enjoy the church and know true happiness. Peace" -- Tammie W.

"I'm lds, I read this. I'd be ashamed if my daughter was taught by you now days far more then what you were teaching them back then. If you don't agree with the principles of the church, don't be a part of it. Simply do something else. You don't need to write a post, take a picture, prove a point, just simply don't practice it if you don't like it. Basically be a slut is what I got from your post. GREAT read!!!"  & "did you read the article? Haha. Get a hold of your self. It wasn't un Christ like. I actually agreed with what Christ says. She was telling people to do opposite of what he says. Interesting... I don't want my daughters having AIDS. Do you? When your having sex with whoever you want whenever you want, AIDS is surely in your future. You can't ignore a zit. Just like you can't ignore the truth. No need to feel bad for the women in my life. She's got a great life!" -- Samuel J. 

"The wide road to hell is not a judgement by me. My remarks are simply the lessons I have learned myself from walking the path that you choose to walk now. Wickedness never was happiness. If you are still a Christian and believe in Christ, than you must also believe the scriptures. They teach the principles and values of the life one deserves to live. In the scriptures Christ teaches by example. If you love him, and believe in him you would emulate him in the life you choose to live, the words you speak and write, and the principles you choose to follow. You would keep his commandments." -- Janica R.

"You never had a true testimony. I feel sad for you more than anything." -- Annette C. 

"I believe if you don't think sex is special nothing is. I think sex is meant to be celebrated in matrimony. I don't want to be preachy but some things need to be kept special." -- Jonathan H. 

"I feel very sad to hear you ranting about this. Just doing what you feel like can't save you. There is a God and His way is the way of happiness. Don't fool yourself listening to this person who has become confused in her life." -- Jill H. 
frown emotic

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

To my former Young Women, I was wrong and I apologize.

I was once a Mormon. I was married in the Los Angeles Temple. I attended the temple monthly. I served in the Young Women's (girls ages 12-18) teaching and in the presidency for 10 years. I loved my Young Women. I served in California and Utah. I went to summer girls camp with them every year. I taught them on Sundays. I planned activities on Wednesdays. My life revolved around them.

I want to say to them: I am sorry.

You are all now adults and this is what I want to say:

I am sorry for teaching you that you needed to cover up so the young men did not have impure thoughts about you. That is called 'rape culture' and I was breeding it. Wear what you want. Wear what you feel good in. Wear what makes you feel sexy. DO NOT dress for others....dress for you. If covering up empowers you, do it. If wearing nothing empowers you, do it. You are the goddess of your body and no one has say over it. The naked body is beautiful and I am sorry for teaching you otherwise. Breast feed uncovered in public, if you so desire! Enjoy fine art nudes! Enjoy your lover's bodies! Bodies are beautiful. Do not feel the need to cover up if you do not want to. People express themselves differently and that is ok.

I am sorry for teaching you that a proper family is one that is a man and woman having kids. Love is love. If you believe in god, I will quote my grandmother here: god does not make mistakes. People are born gay and they are attracted to who they are attracted to. It is not a choice. Every adult should have the choice to marry whomever they desire. A family is made up of anyone and where love exists. Homosexuality is not a sin. LOVE IS LOVE.

While we are talking about kids.....I am sorry for teaching you that a woman's place is to be a mother and a wife. You are so much more than that. Yes, love your children. Raise them to be good humans (which you certainly do not need religion for this).  But, finding a spouse and starting a family immediately is not what you have to do at such a young age. Wait to marry. Wait to have children....there is no rush. You change so much in your 20's. Find yourself. Travel. Educate yourself (whether through formal ways or informal ways). If you choose to never marry, that is ok too. If you choose not to have kids, that is ok....this world is over populated as is. I told you that your ultimate goal should be to find a man and be sealed in the temple....I am sorry, it is simply not true. Certainly follow your heart when the time is right....whether it be with a man or woman. Being sealed doesn't matter. Be married where all of your loved ones can be there to celebrate you....or don't get married....or do it truly does not matter as long as you are in alignment with you.

I am sorry for telling you to wait to have sex until marriage. Sex is so important on so many levels. Some people are simply incompatible and it is best to find that out prior to such a commitment. (Oh and masturbation is great! It is healthy for you!) Be safe, make good choices, get tested.....but for god's sake: have sex.

I am a survivor of rape. When you survive such things, you are not tarnished or a chewed up piece of gum. It is not your fault. You are beautiful. I am sorry if you ever heard otherwise. I am sorry for never addressing this issue.

I am sorry for encouraging the word of wisdom and teaching you to treat your body like a temple.....yes....your body is a temple....but tattoos are ok! Coffee is ok! Alcohol (in moderation and used responsibly) is not evil! The stuff I wish I had taught you is that soda and fast food are evil! Processed foods are way more dangerous for you than coffee ever will be. Look however you want (though I believe I set that example as your hippy-punk-artist leader)!  Be wise, educate yourself, care for your soul.....and eat & drink whatever the fuck you want.

I am sorry for teaching you to not watch certain movies, to not listen to certain music and to stay away from the evils of the world. The world is magical. Art in all forms is magical. Immerse yourself in all cultures and all forms of art. Read any book you desire.  If it speaks to you hold it close. If it does not speak to you, move on.

There is no such thing as one true religion and I am sorry for promoting such falsehoods. Being kind to one another and being in alignment with your self is all that really matters. Religion is not needed for these things. Be open minded and love others.

One of the main reasons I do not regret being Mormon is because I was able to know you Young Women. Serving and helping you in your teen years meant the world to me. I am thankful for each and every one of you that have found me in the last few years. And whether you are still Mormon or have since left the church, know that I will always love you.


XOXO Love, Sister Palmer

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Rules I live by (updated).....

1. I apologize only when I am actually sorry. STOP apologizing for shit you are not actually sorry for.  
2. Treat everyone you encounter with kindness and leave them better than you found them. (unless you are meeting them from a dating site.....if they are a misogynistic asshole, I give myself full permission to tell them to fuck off and not feel guilty.)
3. There's only one me, I am it. BE MYSELF, BE AUTHENTIC & LOVE MYSELF. 
4. Orgasm regularly - it is good for my health!
5. Do random acts of kindness whenever possible.
7. Forgive easily, but move on from unhealthy people.
8. Compliment people, sincerely.
9. Cherish every moment. It is all a blessing.
10. Say no, only when I need to. Start saying YES! I say YES to myself and my CHILDREN as much as I can!
11. One day you will forget. Write & Capture!
12. Be cautious of anyone that lists "The Notebook" as their favorite movie of all time.
13. If you never speak up or ask, the answer will always be no. When you like someone, tell them.
14. Surround yourself only with those that can see your light. Get close with those that want that light to burn brighter.
15. Find a way to make a difference in you community. GET INVOLVED. 
16. Worrying is silly. As long as I am living within alignment with myself, it will work out the way it is suppose to.
17. Be unexpected. Cherish those awkward moments......they make me feel alive!
18. Say "why not?" and "fuck it!" more often.
19. Adventure! MORE ADVENTURE!
20. Assume the best in people, never the worst. (also, don't put tones on text messages)
21. BE SILLY! Who cares what others think......
22. When children are involved, do everything you can to get a long with your ex. Be nice, even when they are not. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Leave anger behind and move forward.
23. Write letters and send cards in snail mail, every week. Do not let the art of letter writing die.
24. Trust myself. Listen to myself. That gut feeling is real and important.
25. Find the silver lining. It is is all a learning experience. These things have brought me where I am today. They have brought me to the people I know and love.
26. Accept and love people for who they are - not the title or box you have placed them in. Who cares that it is your "exes" new girlfriend? Is she nice? Is she good to him? Is she good with my kids? That's all that matters.
27. People believe different things and that is ok. People grieve differently and that is ok. People celebrate differently and that is ok. People eat different food and that is ok. People have sex differently and that is ok.
28. People cannot read my mind. Do not get upset that people cannot read my mind. SPEAK UP and TALK!
29. People will either meet me at the bridge or they won't. Keep moving, they will either catch up or chose a different path.
30. Do things that make me uncomfortable.
31. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep trying.
32. Meet new people, everywhere. CONNECT.
33. No body shaming or sex shaming. See beauty where others cannot find it.
34. Be a duck. QUACK! Let the hurtful comments roll off your back like water.
35. People will either like you or they won' truly doesn't matter either way. BE YOU. 
36. Stop being so your mind more to music, movies and other forms of art. Just because it is mainstream does not mean it sucks. 
37. Sit in quietness. There is so much noise everywhere.....shhhhhhhhhh. 
38. MASTURDATE regularly. Whether I am in a relationship or not, go out solo and enjoy myself. 
39. Tell people I love them and do it often. 
40. Ruffle is good for people and it is good for me....push that artistic envelope (out of love). 
41.  ART! MORE ART! Surround myself with as much art as possible (music, food, fine art, movies, theater....)
43. Celebrate people! Celebrate mykids! Celebrate ME. 
44. When someone pays me a compliment simply say thank you. Do not make up excuses about why it is not true. 
45. Wherever I live, find the beauty in it. Find the positive.
46. The universe hears me. Be careful with my words. Speak positively. Be grateful.
47. SUPPORT LOCAL!!! Pay more because it is local or made in the USA. Seek out local restaurants. Avoid chains. Avoid buying things made in China. 
48. EAT REAL FOOD. Real ingredients...treat my body well. 
49. Take time for me. It is hard....I am busy....but, please take time.
50. If it is not a FUCK YES, then it is a FUCK NO. 
52. Drop what you are doing if your children say they want to snuggle....everything else can wait. 
53. Do NOT put my children in a box. Color has no gender (pink is not a girl's color). Toys have no gender (boys play with dolls). Let my children be magical and be themselves. Teach them kindness and let them bloom.
54. Avoid television and other soul sucking activities. If it does not feed my soul, keep it away. 
55. Learn the rules, so you can break them.

Friday, October 16, 2015

How I kick ass, take names and get shit done.

This blog post is not made in ANY WAY to make you feel bad. Someone recently asked me how I am able to be a single mom, run a business, be an artist and be involved with so much. Today I kicked some serious ass and I was hoping to answer that question and have you celebrate with me my victory of today.

Please keep a few things in mind that may be different form your situation. Yes, I am a single mom.....BUT I have split custody and an amazing ex hubby, bonus mom and grandparents that are helping raise my magical boys. My kids get along and rarely fight. Both Jack (age 7) and Lucas (almost 6) are independent happy boys. They can get their own breakfast, they let me nap, they are content without constant electronics. I am a Capricorn with a TON of energy. I get a good night's sleep every night, drink a lot of water and do not eat fast food or much in the way of any processed foods.

Yesterday we took a day trip to Moab and hit up a baby shower at night when we returned. We slept amazingly last night and woke at about 8:19am. By 9:30am we were out the door and this is how I do it:

•  I needed clean clothes for tonight's event. I threw them in the wash before we went to bed. I threw them in the dryer and washed a load of blankets while we got ready this morning. By the time we were out the door, the clothes were dry and the blankets were now drying while we ran errands.

• While I get ready, the boys feed themselves and put on their clothes I have sat out. They do play some minecraft during this time.

• 9:30 am we are out the door. We have 9 errands to run starting in Sandy, heading to Sugarhouse, then the West side of SLC and finally ending in downtown SLC. The night before I made a list of the most efficient way to accomplish this so we have no back tracking.

Errand #1: Walgreens. I need to pick up my thyroid RX. I also noted that I needed batteries, foil and sharpies...all which of can be bought at Walgreens. Yes, these things may be cheaper elsewhere but my time is precious. I also let the boys pick out one thing each to occupy them for the day. Jack picks out a tricky ball maneuver thing with a wood stick....he spends the next 4 hours mastering it. Lucas picks out a star wars sticker book to create scenes. This peace of mind costs me $12.

Errand #2: Bank drive thru for deposit, I ask for 2 suckers.

Errand #3: South SLC to pick up matte board and plastic bags for my prints. (Alpine Matte is literally the cheapest place for this in Utah). I had called in days prior, so that way everything is ready and waiting for me. I have an account there and we are in and out within minutes. When leaving, we notice an amazing art mural my friend SRIL did. We stop to look at it.

Errand #4: Costco - it is busy, but we luck out with a decent parking spot and we are only hitting the photo center. This errand takes a little bit of time because the boys sample pizza and the photo center is not close to the entrance. Still, we are in and out within 15 minutes.

Errand #5: Jed's Barber Shop in Sugar House (2100 E & 2100 S). I did the art installation there and my boys go there monthly. While the boys get their haircut, I assemble prints. Multi-tasking is how I get lots of shit done in short amounts of time.

Errand #6: Sorensen Unity Center - We are in and out within 2 minutes. I am simply dropping off my art piece for tonight's art exhibit. The boys say they are hungry.....but, I thought ahead! In the back seat is a bag full of snacks and juice boxes. They help themselves and are good to go! No stopping or spending money on fast food.
Errand #7: My art studio - The boys agree to stay in the car for this one (in the shade windows are down). I run in and drop off remaining prints, supplies and copies of the SL Tribune. 90 seconds and done! Not having to load and unload kids saves a ton of time. I DO NOT recommend leaving kids in the car. In this situation, the owner (who is a friend) was right there with an eye on them and they were not in a hot car. 

Errand #8: UMOCA - we luck out with good parking. I put in 15 minutes of quarters. We bring in Last Supper prints. The boys quietly walk to the drinking fountain to fill up on water. They ask to see the art exhibit and even though we are in a hurry, how could I possibly say no? On our way out we see a people playing instruments and singing chants. We sit for about 3 minutes and enjoy the music. 
Errand #9: The Urban Arts Gallery at the Gateway. We couldn't find parking and I did not want to lug everything in through a parking garage. We quickly parked in the loading docks, ran in dropped off inventory (more Last Supper prints), picked up a check.....the boys checked out Elmer Presslee's radical artwork and we were out of there. 

On our way home, there was a lot of praise and high fives. We accomplished all of this within 3.5 hours. The boys listened well today, they never complained, they hustled and they were content. When we got home we did chores (cleaned out the couch, cleaned the floors, took out trash and did dishes.) 

As I write this I day dream of the nap I am going to go take here in a few minutes. Tonight I have an art exhibit opening and then I am off to support my friend's live podcast that I have been helping him with for months. No, I do not have time to date these days. My life is pretty much work, art and kids. I do not have much of a social life in general, but I fit it in when I can.  Hopefully in reading this it will give you some ideas to make your errand days go a little smoother. If you are one of those folks that have been wanting to grab coffee with me and I have not been able you know why.....

Monday, September 7, 2015

An ode to my former lovers.....

Yes, I tend to “go through” people fast…..or so they say. Normally as soon as I realize we are not right for one another, I vacate. Sometimes I stick around longer than I should. Sometimes things naturally fade away. Tonight, I was let go. He saw that he could not provide the love I needed.  So, as I sit here with my whiskey and tears I want to write a thank you letter to all my exes. Each one has taught me different things. With each one, I have grown more as a person. Some are just brief lovers, brief encounters and others something more serious.

R: God. Our sex. Yes, we were young…..but holy hell….I take away that people like me exist.  I like that after these two decades, we are somewhat in contact…..distant contact, but it is fun to see into your life from time to time. I am glad you are well. I am glad you took it so well when once I was in my late 20’s I told you the truth about my age. You know you are getting old when I am turning 36. You were my only serious high school boyfriend and it was hella fun….thank you.

B: Thank you for giving me the permission I needed to simply be me, after 15 years together… no longer hide within a religion and pretend I wasn’t fluid. Thank you for being an excellent father and being flexible with my needs as a co-parent.  Thank you for leaving the church 3 weeks after I did. Thank you for the hug and apology you gave me after we filed for divorce. That apology meant everything to me and it made me feel as if we could really be friends and co-parents. Thank you for choosing and marrying a good mate. She is wonderful with our children, your aging parents, you and myself and that is all I ever really wanted.  Thank you. Love, Pepper

M: Thank you for helping me see myself and helping me see that I am beautiful and worthy of love. I needed you more than anyone. I was drowning and you came and lifted me from the darkness. You taught me that unconditional love does exist. The adventures we shared will be in my heart forever and I will always love you. The music we played and recorded together helped heal my heart in so many ways. I love the special song you wrote for me. I miss our piano. I love that you still write songs about me.  I am thankful you are forever my best friend.  Thank you. Love, Wendy

J: Our late nights were fun and though we only ever made out, it was glorious. I may have given that R2D2 to my children, but I think of you fondly everytime they play with it. You opened my eyes to many things and I realized I needed to be less judgmental of mainstream stuff. I loved Kill Bill. You are kick ass and I know we will be long time friends. Thank you.

A: Holy hell woman…..I am not sure what to say other than you keeping me up late into the night before my flight was well worth it. I sometimes wonder how you are doing, but I do not check on you. I loved the desire I felt from you and I loved our stolen moments in public. I am sorry I did not see you one last time before getting serious with “J”. Thank you.

M: We only kissed, but it was one hell of a passionate kiss. I loved our debates… were so damn conservative! I loved that I opened your eyes to what it may feel like to be gay.  I loved that I helped you heal from the loss of your wife. It was time to let someone into your heart and I was so thankful to be that first one.  I wonder how you are doing now and if you have gotten to have a relationship. I hope you continue to heal. You were one sexy 53-year-old. I still sometimes wear the necklace you gave me and think of you fondly. Thank you.

J: You gave me what I had always wanted to experience. The feeling of being taken care of and that feeling of someone excited about me.  I loved our conversations. Your mind was incredibly sexy to me. I loved that I would come home and you would draw me a bubble bath and bring me scotch. I learned my love of scotch from you. My collection of gas masks grew because you knew I wanted them more than flowers or jewelry. I loved taking you on my favorite hike in Oregon. Getting to see the Book of Mormon with you will forever be a highlight in my life. I learned that I loved to be celebrated and I certainly never felt forgotten with you. That was simply the nicest feeling. In you I found that people with my sex drive do exist. It helped me not to feel so weird in wanting sex so much.  You infiltrated so much of my world that not a day goes by that you are not there in some capacity now. I still wear that sweater you got me because I love it. Thank you. Love, Punky

E: You were sweet and though you thought I may have been autistic you asked me out again anyways. In you I learned to not trust other people’s condoms. After you I decided I always needed to use my own condoms. I was thankful that you were so supportive in understanding that I wanted to terminate the pregnancy. You were gracious and kind and even paid for my more semi-permanent birth control, though we would not be together again. Thank you.

E: You made me realize how much I needed weird in my world. I craved it ever since you and I knew I could not be happy with someone too normal. I am thankful we are still friends. Thank you.

S: I loved the way you looked at me. I know I disappeared quickly. But, I love that you own a piece of my art. I love that we are still friends. I still use that eye cream daily. Thank you. 

B: You were unbelievably gracious and kind. You were a good gift giver and I still listen to the vinyl you bought me. I loved that you often went above and beyond. You introduced me to the best tacos I have ever had. I never truly introduced you to my world and I love that you didn’t actually know much about that side of me. I am glad we are still friends even though you stole a kiss from me that one time long after we had broken up, I still cherish you. Thank you. Love, Catherine

B: We were brief, but holy hell we had fun. It was like we were made for each other sexually.  I wonder if in a different time or different place we could have made a go of it. I feel the awkwardness when we run into each other and I am hopeful we will be true friends one day. Thank you.

S: Music. I will forever remember you as the guy that had my same strange music taste. I love the music you introduced me to. Your whiskey was delicious and I love that you sent me video from Neil Diamond in New York. You weren't a lover, but somebody I connected with. Thank you.

J: You my dear made me realize how much I love pussy. I loved our time together, though it was brief. I still remember our first date, I had the hardest time focusing due to your elegance and beauty. Though I am totally in my own world with pop-culture, you had me watch Orange is the New Black with you and I loved it. You introduced me to music and some of it I actually enjoyed.  I did not know I had it in me to like main stream music. And while I am not out there buying it, I can at least recognize the artist when I hear them. I realized how in touch I am with my masculine side while I was with you. I have never felt more like a dude and it opened my eyes to myself in ways I will be forever grateful. Thank you my beautiful Wonder Woman.

C: God…..what to say to you. I love you and while I have known for weeks we were incompatible I wanted to try and make it work.  I know you love me. You are truly one of the sweetest individuals I have spent time with.  I usually didn’t date people that knew my world. I stayed away from those people. You knew my people. You knew my lifestyle and you knew my world. I never knew how much I would love that. You made me realize how much I crave downtown living and I desperately now want a place in the heart of downtown. The way you used to look at me melted my heart. Our passion was wonderful. It was a serious treat being with someone who was gluten-free with a vegan background. I loved that you loved my favorite places and I loved that we didn’t have to eat meat. I love that you didn’t have a microwave and totally got my hippy ways. You embraced my hairy armpits and I loved that about you. Though you have never had children, you showed me how much someone could love mine. You did the right thing in letting me go. As much as it hurts, I know you did it because you love me and you want me to be loved in the way I desire. I know we will be long time friends, though it may take time for my heart to heal.  Thank you. Love, Catherine

There are many I chose not to talk about. Every person has a piece of my soul and I am thankful to all my former lovers, even the brief encounters. I will spend time with myself and focus on my children and career. I know the person exists out there that can love me the way I desire. I exist, so I know they have to.  I am terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love.